Sometimes things in one’s life can be a bit overwhelming. The decision whether to get rid of the unwanted guest in my head by surgery or gamma knife has been consuming most of my thoughts.

Keith and I zipped down to Houston this week to talk to doctors at MD Anderson in their Acoustic Neuroma Center. Who knew? It’s a God thing remember? It did feel very odd being on the other side this time. My place there has always been as caregiver now I am the patient. Can’t say I like that very much. We met with some very nice and well respected doctors in this field. While none of them really told me anything I didn’t already know, I felt at ease with them and began to trust that I had come to the right place.

We did have to get out of our comfort zone though. We always stay at the Rotary House, which is just across the street from MD Anderson. We did not have enough preplanning time to make a reservation so rooms were available.  We picked the next thing we knew which was the extended stay hotel a few blocks away.  This was our home for 3 weeks when Keith first started treatment. The same place where we got our car broken into. The place where we met another couple from Ardmore whose husband was being treated. A place that allows you to bring your dogs with you. By the time we got there, it was after 8. When we were checking in, they informed us that they had given our queen bed away and we were given a room with two double beds. I could see the lines of concern forming between my husband’s brows as he said, “Why do I have a confirmation number for a queen bed, if you have given it away.” We were both too tired to argue so we made it work.  It actually felt plenty big because there were no dogs between us hogging the bed.  Sometimes our big king bed at home feels very small.

Our morning started bright and early as I had to check in at 7 a.m. for an 8 a.m. doctor’s appointment. Now I will tell you what the MD in MD Anderson stands for: Most of the Day. We experienced that over and over five years ago and we were starting our morning off the same way. Checked in at 7 a.m. and was told my appointment had been moved to 10 a.m.

After a quick breakfast in the cafeteria, we decided to go outside into their beautiful garden areas. It was a warm morning, flowers were blooming and the birds were out singing. We plopped down in the area where we always go to and up comes a pigeon and little scraggly bird with no tail. I never seem to have food at these times. Keith was prepared with a granola bar in his bag. The pigeon looked very healthy so I worked on feeding the little no-tailed bird. He got his fill and went on. Not the pigeon. Is it possible to fill them up? We decided to get a little creative and see if we could get him to eat out of our hands. Nope, not going to do it. Next we put food on the end of our shoes. Success. Then word spread and all of a sudden we had 6 or 7 pigeons. The one little pigeon did his best to shoo the others away, but alas, there were just too many. I am breaking up more of the granola bar when one of the pigeons fly’s up and gets on my hand! OMG! I am hand-feeding this pigeon. It was the greatest thing ever and what a way to start my day. Then Keith thought he would give it a try. Success. It was awesome. As we walked back across the street to head for my doctor’s appointment we see a sign that says, “Do not feed the birds.” We both agreed that there was no sign where we were sitting telling us that.  No rules broken.

Finally in the docs office and I start off with his “fellow”. This is a young man that I swear to you could have been my son-in-law Charles. He had different hair, but he was tall, skinny, sounded like Charles and had Charles’ eyes. It was like Charles was there. I found that very comforting. Then the surgeon came in and visited some more and answered more questions. The doc told me that if I were younger, his recommendation would be surgery. If I were 10 years older, his recommendation would be the gamma knife. Because I am the awesome age of 54. I can do either. So much for a recommendation.

So again, a big decision to make and I have to weigh the pros and cons of each.

• Gamma Knife:
  Pro: It is outpatient, pretty much painless and I go on about my life the next day. I like the sound of that. Con: It doesn’t get rid of my tumor, just zaps it. I would also continue to lose my hearing in that ear as the tumor is still there mashing on my hearing nerve. I would have to have an MRI annually for the rest of my life to monitor it. There is no data out there beyond 15 years on its success rate of keeping it from growing back and growing back cancerous. YIKES.
• Surgery Let’s start with the cons here: It’s brain surgery and they have to cut open my head. I will have some discomfort for 7-10 days with the incision. I may have some dizziness or balance problems for a few days. I would have to spend 3-5 days in the hospital and miss 4-6 weeks of work. Jeez. Pro: The tumor is removed and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I may be able to salvage the remainder of my hearing in that ear and the ringing in my ear has a 50% chance of going away. I would REALLY love that.

It’s times like these when you just have to put your big girl panties on. While I am scared to death of the surgery and the days after, I am even more scared of the thought that when I’m 70, it could grow back and it could grow back cancerous. Do I really want to deal with brain cancer at 70? Maybe medical technology will have come a long way by then and it wouldn’t be any big deal. But do I really want to risk it. These are the thoughts that have just been churning away in my mind…. What to do, what to do. Keith and I have talked and talked and talked about it. He even told me he knew what he would do if it were him, but wouldn’t tell me so as not to influence my decision, because it is after all MY DECISION. Maybe I don’t want it to be my decision. I really would like someone to just say, “THIS is what you MUST do. Alas, that isn’t going to happen.

So I have decided surgery. I indeed have put my big girl panties on and tomorrow I’m emailing Houston with my decision. My husband, daughter and son are also going to have to their big boy britches and big girl panties on. It is going to be a stressful and draining experience for us all. I am hoping to be able to do it the first week of December.  That’s the plan Stan.  I just have to keep my chin up and my nerves at bay. For all of you out there that are praying for me, thank you and keep it up. This Episcopal gal accepts prayers from all religious denominations.

Yes, I can do this. Hey, I survived natural childbirth, I can do anything right. Oh and FYI: After I told Keith my decision, he said that is what he would do to.