There are times in one’s life that deserve a little reflection. I am on the cusp of closing a chapter in my life and starting a new one, which is so exciting and yet I get emotional if I think about it too long. In order to close this chapter, I have to let go of some things.
Keith and I started out our married life together living next door to my mom and dad. In fact, it was Keith’s idea to purchase the house next door to my parents before he ever proposed marriage to me. When it came available, he said, “I should buy that house.” My response, “Would you want to live right next door to your in-laws?” As an only child, he knew that their care as they grew older would fall to me and to him as well. He knew living right next door to them would offer them a sense of security. If I didn’t already know he was the perfect man for me that certainly cinched it.
In 2008 Keith and I got married and my mom’s Parkinson’s was so bad that she almost couldn’t make it to our wedding, but she was a trooper and she got there. Mom passed away in 2009 and we took on the challenge of caring for my dad, who passed away this past August. Since that time I have been going through all their stuff and trying to settle their estate. They didn’t have much, but my mother had thrown nothing away. And I mean nothing. She had become quite the pack rat over the past 10-15 years. Once I got beyond magazines that were 10 years old and paper clippings from those magazines, then it was time to take on the hard stuff. Stuff that when you looked at it, it came with a corresponding memory. Those things brought up very raw emotions. I’d cry, and then I’d go home too emotionally drained to continue that day. Next day I’d go back start in again. Do I keep this, do I keep that. Guilt about throwing anything away was eating me alive. These were their things after all. How could it even occur to me to not keep everything? But where would I keep everything and better yet, I don’t want everything.
I hired a guy to come in and take care of their things and do an estate sale, only to be told weeks later that they really didn’t have enough that would be worth his time. He could have told me that at the beginning. Now here I am again tasked with the mountain of stuff. I just sat down and cried. I didn’t think I could do it. Then a friend recommended someone else that would come in and take care of “everything”. Well weeks later and an estate sale later, it still wasn’t taken care of and here I was again… It was time to put on my big girl panties and just do it.
With the closing of their estate, they left me a little money, which has allowed us to move forward with building our dream home and start the official new chapter in our life as a married couple. My mom would be so excited for us and I know they are smiling at us, but it comes with very mixed emotions for me. For the last six months, we have been living in their home. Our home sold in record time and we moved next door into their house, which is full of memories for me. At first it was comforting. I could feel them in every room and I had memories of so many events there. I could remember conversations and laughter and tears. Now as I prepare to close this chapter and move out, it again is bringing up very raw emotions. I feel like I am leaving them all over again. When we move out and I sell the house to someone else, that chapter is officially closed. I have always thought of myself as a strong woman, but this past year I have truly felt like nothing but a crybaby.
We have been moving a few things over to the new house a little bit at a time. So last weekend I became reacquainted with some of my “things” that have been in a box for the last six months. As I opened the boxes and carefully removed items wrapped in bubble wrap, there were some of the items I had chosen to keep that reminded me of my parents. OMG! An immediate smile came over me, followed by tears and then a determination to find the perfect spot for these items in our new home. So in a sense, I am taking them with me on this new journey.
So in the next few days, I am going to pick myself up and get started full force on this new chapter with a man that deserves my full attention. Yes, with the man that has been there for me every day for the past ten years. The man that has wiped my tears and hugged me tight through painful and joyous times. The man that holds my hand every day as we walk through this life together. Yes, a new chapter. OUR chapter. It’s time.