Tag Archives: faith

Behind the Red Doors

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IMG_0222 [13805]Easter Sunday is fast approaching as we conclude yet another Lenten season.  I know when I enter those big red doors into the beautiful stone church, it will be filled with the wonderful smell of Easter lilies.  Music will be playing from the pipe organ.  I will pick up a program and work my way down the left isle to where I always sit on row 7.  I will bow to the altar, take my seat and quietly wait for the service to begin or I can kneel in silent prayer.  At 10 a.m. sharp, the bell outside will begin to toll.  At the conclusion of the 10th bell, the entire congregation will stand and begin singing the opening hymn.  As we are all signing, there will be a group of people headed down the center isle towards the altar.  Leading the way on that morning will be the thurifer with the wonderful smell of incense filling the air, followed by an acolyte carrying the cross, to which we will all bow as it passes by us followed by the choir, deacon and priest.  Behind those red doors is the place I call my church home.

Finding a church home for your spiritual heart and soul is easy for some and not so easy for others.  I am one of those that had a difficult time finding my place.  I have struggled in various religious denominations.  Never feeling comfortable or like I belonged in any of them.  What was wrong with me?  Why is it so hard?  At 38, I had come to the conclusion that church was just not for me, but I would continue my relationship with God privately.  I was a Christian without a church home.

Six years later I find myself at the very beginning of a relationship with a wonderful man.  He had a church home and it wasn’t long before he invited me to join him one Sunday.  When he told me which church he was a member of I was skeptical.  I had no experience in this church and no idea what to expect.  In the few short months we had been together, I knew that church was important to him, so I accepted.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and went with him.  I can remember vividly that first visit.  It was very confusing and hard to follow.  All of my previous church-attending experiences had me finding a seat, sitting down and rarely moving again until it was over.  Not here.  There was a lot of standing, kneeling, bowing and reading from a book called, The Book of Common Prayer.  Halfway through the service we lined up to head to the altar, where we kneeled and took bread and wine [Holy Communion].  This was the Episcopal Church and this little churchless girl was lost, but quickly found.  I was intrigued and I found myself asking lots of questions, why do you do this and what does it mean when you do that.  I continued to attend church with him every Sunday and after about six weeks, I was hooked, locked in, sold on it.  I knew I had found my church home behind those red doors.

I love the formality of the service itself, the beautiful vestments the clergy wears depending on the church season.  I love bowing to the cross as it makes its way to and from the altar.  There is just something so powerful in that for me.  The music has brought me to tears on more than one occasion.  I have no idea what that is about.  The entire service seems to touch my very soul.

Underneath all that formality is a doctrine that speaks to the deepest parts of my heart and soul.  I learned very quickly that the church accepts and welcomes a wide range of theological ideas and thoughts.  It accepts and welcomes all people.  They do not discriminate against anyone or any group for any reason.  We strive to love our neighbors as ourselves and respect the dignity of every person.  I have not always found that in previous churches and I have always wondered why.  Jesus’ entire message for us was to love one another.  No easy task, but that is what we are all called to do.

IMG_0224 [13801]That wonderful man that brought me into this church, well I married him.  Not only did he make me whole, but he put me on the path to finding that place where I could put all the pieces together in my spiritual journey.  For those of you out there that have found the place where your heart and soul meet, hallelujah and amen.  If you are still searching for just that right place, don’t give up.   You may just have to step out of your comfort zone and give something a try.  You might even find yourself curious about what goes on behind those red doors.

Peace be with you.

One Year Post-Op

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Thursday marked my one year anniversary of my acoustic neuroma brain tumor removal.  I have found myself thinking a lot about that experience this past week and what I was going through this time a year ago.  I would love to be able to say that I am good as new or that I’m back to doing everything I could do before the surgery, but I’m not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am very blessed that the tumor was discovered and that I had it removed.  Nothing good was going to come of it, obviously.  But short of having some ringing in my years and some hearing loss in my left ear, I felt fine and had no idea anything was wrong.  It was actually a fluke that it was discovered as quickly as it was. So here I am a year later still working on recovering.  I remember telling myself last Thanksgiving that this time next year, it would be like it never happened.  Well that was wishful thinking. Maybe Thanksgiving 2016 it will be like it never happened.  A girl has got to have hope, right?

So what has this past year looked like for me?  Those first couple of months it was just trying to focus on walking.  It took a while for me to look left and right without getting a bit dizzy.  It was like I was drunk without drinking. Things were kind of woozy.    My surgery was on my left side, so I have only been able to sleep on my right side.  That is still the case 99.9% of the time.  If I lay on my left side for very long, the anger sharks start swimming.  In February I got the green light to do some light running.  I wanted to get back to running like I was before surgery, and I’m still working on it.  I think walking with minimal slow running is a better option for me at the moment.  Since my balance is questionable at times, I am very careful not to trip or stumble.  I have learned the hard way that with only one balance nerve left, it doesn’t take much to tip me over.  I have fallen twice in the last year and let me tell you, it was not good.

I cannot sneeze or cough without the back of my head becoming very angry.  Would love to know when that is going to stop.  I live in Oklahoma where there are things in the air and sometimes I need to sneeze.  I went to great lengths last allergy season NOT to sneeze.  And if I swallow wrong and need to cough, yikes.

Bending over is still an issue and as long as it is, yoga is a no go.  Downward facing dog might send me over the edge.  My head gets angry when I bend over to pick up the dog food bowls.  I have decided that I probably won’t ever ride a roller coaster again.  I think my head would literally blow off or I might just pass out.  But hey, I can still go dancing with my husband and I can still twirl as long as he is standing there to make sure I stop twirling when I’m supposed to.  Any sport which might cause me to fall, which would include water skiing or snow skiing is off limits.  Heck I didn’t do that before my surgery, so I certainly don’t want to do it now.  I was worried that this head issue would cause me problems if I traveled on a plane.  Good news, we went to London and Paris in September and I not only did fine on the Boeing 777, but also on the Eurostar high speed train.

So as I reflect, my main issue is headaches.  I am to the point that I plan my activities around them.   Where am I going to be when the next one pops up and how will I get rid of it?  I always carry Extra Strength Tylenol or Advil with me.  I am fortunate that over the counter pain meds will take care of it; but, I’m taking them every day.  So in August I bit the bullet and went to a neurologist for help.  So far I’ve tried two different types of migraine meds (and I don’t think I have migraines).  Neither did anything and one of them made my night time headaches worse.  I have also gone to physical therapy, which was nice while the therapist manipulated my neck, but with no lasting benefits.  I’ve had one occipital nerve block injection, lasted a few hours.  I have had two trigger point injections in the muscles of my neck, lasted a couple of hours.  I am getting an upper body massages every week and I do think that it is making my neck more flexible.  Next up, I’m contemplating acupuncture.

In August when I first went to the neurologist, they took my blood pressure and they commented that it was a bit high.  Like 160/110 high.  I have never had high blood pressure, it’s usually below 120/80.  Each subsequent time I went in they would take my blood pressure and again, it was high.  Hmmmm.  Well a week before I went to my latest appointment, I started taking my own blood pressure at home and keeping track. OMG, it is off the charts.  One morning it was 177/117 when I woke up!

Now I have headaches AND high blood pressure.  I don’t know if the blood pressure is causing my headaches or if my head pain is causing my high blood pressure.  And the doctor doesn’t know either.  So now we are trying to get my blood pressure under control and we’ll just see how the headaches respond.  Ever see that commercial where the woman has to go the bathroom every few minutes and she has that little cartoon bladder tugging on her?  Well I have one of those and it’s a little cartoon headache with high blood pressure that is following me everywhere. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I’m officially kicking off my second year of surgery recovery.  My goal, to rid myself of headaches and high blood pressure. To be able to sleep all night, awake refreshed and ready for my day with the energy and stamina to get with an exercise program and to stick with it.  Those are tall orders, but I am so ready.

 

Preparing

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Grapes 2This time next week I will be on the other side of my brain tumor surgery. Whooohooo. I find myself thinking of little else as the countdown begins for our little trip to Houston. Today I am spending some time just enjoying the simple things in life. This morning it was hot coffee in my favorite chair covered in dogs with a fire in the fireplace. Later it was a trip to “Christmas in the Barn” south of town. Since it is a bit chilly here today, we bundled up and walked hand in hand around the craft fair looking at all the fun stuff. Wafting through the air was the smell of pinion wood and if you got a little cold, just stop by a fire pit to warm yourself.   Yes, today I am beginning the mental preparation.

I had planned in my mind to work until noon on Monday so I can come home and get ready for the trip both mentally and physically. But I think my boss may have other ideas. I’m pretty sure I mentioned in our staff meeting last week that was my plan, but yesterday he started talking about us meeting at 2:30 Monday. Well, what is he thinking?   Not sure by 2:30 my mind won’t be already moving on, but will stay as long as he needs me to, but after that 2:30 meeting, I gotta go. Not only is he worried about me, but I’m worried about him and the office. Hope it’s still there when I return. [wink/wink] They’ll be fine.

When I was trying to decide when to have this surgery, all I really looked at was what would cause the least amount of disruption at work. When was the best time to be gone? I figured that time frame out and scheduled my surgery. Well let me tell you what I did not consider and I may need to receive some kind of worst grandma in the world award for this one. The day before my surgery, my grandson turns 6 and the day after my surgery, my granddaughter turns 3. I can still recall my daughter reminding me that she will be missing her children’s birthdays. OMG. What kind of Mimi does that? I do have a brain tumor you know and can’t be held accountable for my actions. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it, for another few days anyway.

So what do you pack for this kind of surgery anyway? I have already been told by my doctor that the day before my surgery, I can have no makeup on because they are going to put some kind of dots on my head and face. Great, no makeup. I hope he recognizes me and that I don’t scare the living daylights out of people. AND, that morning will be the last time “I” can wash my hair until the staples come out of my head. Um let’s see, that’s 10 or 14 days. Are you kidding me? I am thankful my husband doesn’t love me for my beauty alone.

So back to this packing thing. Ok, I don’t need to take hair care products and I guess I really can leave my make up at home. So If I have to be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days, what’s a girl to wear? I refuse to stay in that stupid little hospital gown beyond the day of my surgery. I have a couple of cute comfy shirts I was thinking about taking, then I remembered that they would have to be pulled on over my head. Hmmm, not sure about that. I have soft stretchy pants that I certainly will be sporting. I have also been told that the next day they will have me up and walking. Walking may be a bit of a stretch. Let’s call it preparing to walk in case I have balance issues. I just really don’t know. I’m telling myself it will be no big deal. They will tell me it’s time to get out and do a little walking and I’ll say, well ok, let’s go. Guess I should take a pair of walking shoes. Keith has reminded me that I will probably have to use a walker for a while until we are sure about my balance. I’m ok with that.

Keith, Craig and I will start our little journey to Houston some time Tuesday morning. I would like to get there and get settled in and eat at one of our favorite restaurants. My pre-op stuff starts at 8:30 the next morning and I literally have something every half hour with my final appointment scheduled for 5 p.m. I did notice they gave me an hour for lunch. My daughter’s plane arrives from Little Rock at 6:30 p.m. and Keith will go out to the airport and retrieve her. We will have a nice quiet evening together and then Thursday morning, it’s removal of brain tumor time.

Yes, I’m nervous but I think I’m handling it ok. I have heard several time frames for the surgery: 4-6 hours, 10 hours and 12 hours. I’m hoping for the 4-6 hour option myself and I know my loved ones sitting in the waiting room will be as well.   I am so grateful to have the three of them there with me. They are my three favorite people in the whole world and I love them so much. I am also thankful for all my friends who are praying for me and for those who are praying for me and don’t even know me. I am humbled by all the support I have received. Thank you all. I know that God will be with me during this journey and he will guide the hands of my surgeons.   So I’m signing off for now and as soon as I get rid of this brain tumor and my thinker is working again, I’ll let you know how it went.  Peace be with you.

 

At the One Month Mark

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TLF 2014

On month from today, I will have the unwelcome visitor inside my head eradicated!  Even though I am nervous, I am also just ready for it to be gone so I can get on with my life.  AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.   I have found an Acoustic Neuroma Facebook page and I have been reading posts from people who have had surgery and those who are going to have surgery.  While it is wonderful to know I am not alone in the world with this little brain tumor, some of their stories are scary.  What I have to keep in mind is that everyone is different, everyone handles surgery differently and their experience won’t be my experience.  I told Keith that I was not going to have any major pain following the surgery, that I was going to be up walking down the hospital halls the next day with him by my side and we would go home four days later and have a wonderful, yet quiet Thanksgiving.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Since deciding to have the surgery, my mind thinks of little else.  Oh sure, I am able to do my job and lead a normal life, but “the event” is never far from my mind.  I find that I’m even more emotional than usual.  Case in point:  Last week I wanted to drive by my childhood home.  I took the familiar route and when my car turned onto the street, tears welled up in my eyes.  What is with that!  Last weekend we attended a funeral for my son-in-law’s grandmother at the Episcopal Cathedral in Oklahoma City.  The service was so moving to me that I caught myself tearing up during some of the hymns.  When I go on my long walk/runs, my mind is all over the place and inevitably I think of my parents and tears fall or I think about my children and how much I love them and tears fall or I remember just how lucky I am to have the husband I have and tears falls.  I hope this extra emotion is a direct result of this brain tumor because I need to toughen up.

In addition, I am going to be off work 7 weeks.  EEK!  Will I even have an office to return to????  Just kidding, kind of.  I am trying to think of all the things that need to be taken care of in my absence.  That in itself is a bit overwhelming.  I don’t want to cause any undue burden on anyone, because we are all busy at work.  I tried to schedule this thing when it would be the quietest in the office and I hope I have succeeded.

Keith and I went dancing last weekend.  It was our annual Two Left Feet Club Halloween dance and we got all dressed up.  He was Captain America and I was Batgirl.  It was so much fun and our favorite singer, Neil Davies, was the entertainment.  Neil gave us the opportunity to waltz, cha cha, tango, bolero, do a line dance and a little Texas swing before calling it a night. At the beginning of the evening we learned that our hospital foundation is planning a big New Year’s Eve dance at our convention center and everyone from our dance club is invited.  In fact, he said we are all being “featured”.  Not really sure what that means, but it does mean that I have to get all better so I can go dance.  That gives me 6 weeks basically after surgery to be ready AND I WILL BE!  We will get all dressed up, Keith in a tux and me in a formal gown.    We will dance until the cows come home and at midnight with a glass of champagne in my hand, I will kiss the love of my life as we begin another year together.

Now I am all big talk about this recovery thing, now I just have to get myself pumped up for “the event”.  Keith and I will go down two days before on November 18 and then I have all this pre-op stuff on the 19th.  Nurse Susan says I am going to be one busy gal that day.  Hopefully I will be so busy, I won’t have time to dwell on “the event”.  In talking to my doctor, he says the surgery should take 4-6 hours, ok I can deal with that.  Nurse Susan says it will be 10 hours, not liking the sound of that.  One of the ladies I have found on the Acoustic Neuroma site who has the same doctors as me in Houston said her surgery took 12 hours.  I really don’t like the sound of that.    Again, my experience will be different, my experience will be different, my experience will be different.  If I say it three times will that make it so, or did I need to click my heels together when I said it.  Wait and I can still do that.  Obviously, I’m hoping for the 4-6 hour surgery.  While I will be asleep and won’t care, my husband, daughter and son may have a hard time if I am in surgery for 12 hours.

Speaking of my husband, daughter and son ….. I am so blessed that all three of them will be with me.  They are the three loves of my life and their faces are the ones I want to see when I open my eyes.  Each one of them brings me such joy, happiness and love.  With them by my side, I can overcome anything.  I am also blessed to have many in my community praying for me.  People have been coming up to me and telling me that they are praying for me or that I am on their church’s official prayer list.  As I have said before, this Episcopal gal accepts prayers from all religious denominations.  I am receiving prayers from out of state as well.  This “Oklahoma gal” accepts prayers from all states and countries.

In looking through my instructions of what I should and should not have at the hospital, they suggest I wear NO jewelry.  Are they kidding?  So I have four items of jewelry that I always wear:  my wedding ring, my mother’s wedding ring, my father’s wedding ring and my Daughters of the King cross.  So in order for me to be OK with this hospital rule, my husband will hold my wedding ring until he can slip it back on my finger and I want my daughter to wear my cross and parent’s wedding rings for me.  When I feel like eating, I want my son to make me an Herbalife shake and keep my tea and aloe jug full.

So today I begin the journey of mentally preparing for “the event.”  I am also continuing my physical activity routine so my stamina will be good, just in case I have to be under anesthesia for 12 hours.   It feels appropriate for me to close this blog with one of my favorite things from the Book of Common Prayer:  Open my lips, O Lord, and my mouth shall proclaim your praise.  Create in me a clean heart, O’ God and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from your presence and take not your holy Spirit from me.  Give me the joy of your saving help again and sustain me with your bountiful spirit.  Amen.

An Unwelcome Visitor – In My Brain!

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MD AndersonIf there is one thing I have learned in my 50+ years of life is that life is full of ups and downs, blessings and curses, highs and lows, good and bad. It is truly a mixed bag. Some people seem to have more bad than good and some people never seem to have anything difficult happen to them. I think my life falls somewhere in the middle. There have been many times in my life that I have just floated along like a butterfly unaware of anything bad, nothing ever touching me. Then there have been times when I have been down in the muck and thought I would never get out. Those have all been learning experiences for me. They have made me who I am today and the highs and lows and blessings and challenges will continue to shape me, but they will not destroy me.  They serve to make me stronger.

Ten months after I married the man of my dreams, he is diagnosed with cancer. Together with God and MD Anderson, we kicked cancer’s but and just three short weeks ago MD Anderson officially graduated him and told us we didn’t have to come back. What an awesome feeling and an answered prayer for sure. For five years we continued to make that trek to Houston for his checkups. We jumped for joy and were giddy all the way home. Keith said to me, “We never have to come back here.” My response? “I know, unless I get sick.” Famous last words.

Last week I learned that I have an acoustic neuroma. A “what” you say? Basically it is a “benign” tumor in my brain that will have to be dealt with. It is not cancerous, it grows very slowly but it has to go. My first symptom, like millions of us out there, was Tinnitus. My left ear has been ringing for 9 months if not more. I have lost track because I spend all my time trying to ignore it. Then right as we are moving into the new house, I noticed that I am not hearing as well out of my left ear. It was like I was wearing an earplug. Things were kind of muffled. So off to the doctor I go, have an MRI and there it is, the unwelcome visitor in my brain. All 1.46 centimeters of it. Well crap. My local doctor sends me to a specialist in OKC who tells me what I have and what my options are. As he is describing the three possible surgical options of going into my brain, I could literally feel all the color drain from my face. He gave me the good, bad and ugly of a surgery. Then he gave me a little information about the “gamma knife” radiation option, which initially sounded great, but by the time he finished, wasn’t a perfect option either. At the end of his speech he asked if I had any questions. I can’t even speak at this point. Then just over my left shoulder comes a very strong voice, my hero husband who has LOTS of questions. Keith jumps right in and is asking questions right and left, some I am grasping and some I’m not. Then Keith asked the question, “what if we do nothing?” I perked up a bit for that one. Doctor said, “Eventually, she will die.” So much for doing nothing.   The doctor wanted to make sure that I understood that it was not a death sentence, it was fixable and it WAS NOT cancer. That did make me feel better. Obviously we have some research to do and some decisions to make.

In the car heading away I know I have to call my daughter who is waiting 350 miles away to hear what this doctor said. We talk about it, I tell her what the doctor said and that we didn’t have to do anything immediately. We would be exploring all options. She agreed, more research and exploring all options. Keith, trying to cheer me up and take my mind off it, takes me to test drive new cars. Great distraction!

We arrived home and I am trying to be brave. On the inside I need a good cry. On the outside, the tears aren’t coming. I admit it, I am scared. I have another conversation with my daughter who has spoken with her husband, Charles. My daughter is convinced that if I need surgery, we just need to pack up, come to Little Rock and have it done there. Not a bad idea.   We go to bed for the evening and I’m doing a little reading when my daughter calls again right at 10 p.m. Her message to me when I answer the phone, “Charles wants to talk to you.” Charles works in the medical field and with Neurosurgeons. I guess he has been kind of sharing my “issues” with them casually as I go through these tests. They have given him opinions and what not. So when Loni called him about what the doctor said about my “surgery” options, he called to make sure that I DID NOT let this ENT surgeon drill into my head.

The next morning I have my instructions from Charles: get another copy of my MRI disk and overnight it to him. He will ask his neurosurgeon to look at it and give us an unbiased opinion. We really liked that idea. So off to the hospital I go to get another copy of the disk. By the way, the little gal in medical records is not very friendly. She literally made me feel like I was imposing on her. Next off to the UPS Store to overnight it to Little Rock. By the way, the people at my UPS store, VERY friendly and VERY helpful.

So now it is Sunday morning and I am still thinking about my options. It’s hard to think about little else. My in-laws and brother in law were in from Texas and they did provide some distraction from my little tumor friend, but it was never very far from my mind. Then Keith and I wondered if MD Anderson would look at it. I’m thinking no since it’s not cancer. Then Keith replies, “Not cancer, but it is a brain tumor.” Good point. I went to their website and typed into the search: acoustic neuroma. OMG, they have an acoustic neuroma center and it’s part of the Head and Neck Center where Keith got treatment. About 30 minutes later Charles calls me. His neurosurgeon has looked at my disk. His response was if it were his wife, he would go the gamma-knife route. Then he said, “She needs to go to MD Anderson in Houston, Texas.” Feeling a bit like a God thing here. In fact, Dr. Thomas knows one of the head docs in the Acoustic Neuroma Center and he got the ball rolling to get me an appointment! Charles continued to follow up and by Wednesday, I had an official appointment for next week. Now I guess I can classify Charles as my hero son-in-law.

Yes, we are headed back to Houston, to the same place we never thought we would see again. To the place we know like the back of our hand. To the place that I entrusted the life of my husband and the place that did not disappoint. I am anxious to see what they suggest and how we will proceed.

I’ll keep you posted on the progress. Stay tuned.