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Preparing

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Grapes 2This time next week I will be on the other side of my brain tumor surgery. Whooohooo. I find myself thinking of little else as the countdown begins for our little trip to Houston. Today I am spending some time just enjoying the simple things in life. This morning it was hot coffee in my favorite chair covered in dogs with a fire in the fireplace. Later it was a trip to “Christmas in the Barn” south of town. Since it is a bit chilly here today, we bundled up and walked hand in hand around the craft fair looking at all the fun stuff. Wafting through the air was the smell of pinion wood and if you got a little cold, just stop by a fire pit to warm yourself.   Yes, today I am beginning the mental preparation.

I had planned in my mind to work until noon on Monday so I can come home and get ready for the trip both mentally and physically. But I think my boss may have other ideas. I’m pretty sure I mentioned in our staff meeting last week that was my plan, but yesterday he started talking about us meeting at 2:30 Monday. Well, what is he thinking?   Not sure by 2:30 my mind won’t be already moving on, but will stay as long as he needs me to, but after that 2:30 meeting, I gotta go. Not only is he worried about me, but I’m worried about him and the office. Hope it’s still there when I return. [wink/wink] They’ll be fine.

When I was trying to decide when to have this surgery, all I really looked at was what would cause the least amount of disruption at work. When was the best time to be gone? I figured that time frame out and scheduled my surgery. Well let me tell you what I did not consider and I may need to receive some kind of worst grandma in the world award for this one. The day before my surgery, my grandson turns 6 and the day after my surgery, my granddaughter turns 3. I can still recall my daughter reminding me that she will be missing her children’s birthdays. OMG. What kind of Mimi does that? I do have a brain tumor you know and can’t be held accountable for my actions. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it, for another few days anyway.

So what do you pack for this kind of surgery anyway? I have already been told by my doctor that the day before my surgery, I can have no makeup on because they are going to put some kind of dots on my head and face. Great, no makeup. I hope he recognizes me and that I don’t scare the living daylights out of people. AND, that morning will be the last time “I” can wash my hair until the staples come out of my head. Um let’s see, that’s 10 or 14 days. Are you kidding me? I am thankful my husband doesn’t love me for my beauty alone.

So back to this packing thing. Ok, I don’t need to take hair care products and I guess I really can leave my make up at home. So If I have to be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days, what’s a girl to wear? I refuse to stay in that stupid little hospital gown beyond the day of my surgery. I have a couple of cute comfy shirts I was thinking about taking, then I remembered that they would have to be pulled on over my head. Hmmm, not sure about that. I have soft stretchy pants that I certainly will be sporting. I have also been told that the next day they will have me up and walking. Walking may be a bit of a stretch. Let’s call it preparing to walk in case I have balance issues. I just really don’t know. I’m telling myself it will be no big deal. They will tell me it’s time to get out and do a little walking and I’ll say, well ok, let’s go. Guess I should take a pair of walking shoes. Keith has reminded me that I will probably have to use a walker for a while until we are sure about my balance. I’m ok with that.

Keith, Craig and I will start our little journey to Houston some time Tuesday morning. I would like to get there and get settled in and eat at one of our favorite restaurants. My pre-op stuff starts at 8:30 the next morning and I literally have something every half hour with my final appointment scheduled for 5 p.m. I did notice they gave me an hour for lunch. My daughter’s plane arrives from Little Rock at 6:30 p.m. and Keith will go out to the airport and retrieve her. We will have a nice quiet evening together and then Thursday morning, it’s removal of brain tumor time.

Yes, I’m nervous but I think I’m handling it ok. I have heard several time frames for the surgery: 4-6 hours, 10 hours and 12 hours. I’m hoping for the 4-6 hour option myself and I know my loved ones sitting in the waiting room will be as well.   I am so grateful to have the three of them there with me. They are my three favorite people in the whole world and I love them so much. I am also thankful for all my friends who are praying for me and for those who are praying for me and don’t even know me. I am humbled by all the support I have received. Thank you all. I know that God will be with me during this journey and he will guide the hands of my surgeons.   So I’m signing off for now and as soon as I get rid of this brain tumor and my thinker is working again, I’ll let you know how it went.  Peace be with you.

 

I Love Technology – Most of the Time

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Wash Mon 2We live in a pretty awesome time where technologies are changing rapidly and for the most part, for the better, in my opinion. I am one of the lucky ones who can still remember black and white TV and a time before the Internet. But at 54.85 years pf age. I fear that there may come a time when technology passes me and I won’t be able to keep up. I remember vividly when it happened to my dad with something as simple as the TV remote.

Now I for one was thrilled when the TV remote was invented. That meant that I had lost a job as “I” was the TV remote for my dad when I was a kid. Drove me crazy. He would tap on the wall between the living room and my bedroom to signal he needed me. I can still hear him say, “Marc, put that TV on channel 9 for me.” I can still feel the anger sharks swimming as I would trudge from my room to the living room and take those 10 steps from him to the TV and change his channel. Today, I’m almost laughing out loud at the memory of it and thinking how much fun my dad must have had with me doing that. As I’m writing this, I’m sure he’s looking down from heaven and having a good laugh too.

When I left college and got my first real job in 1981, I was hired as receptionist at Texas International Company in Oklahoma City. The first week of that job they sent me to a week-long class to learn how to operate the “word processing machine”. You mean I don’t have to type on an IBM Selectric typewriter. I was in heaven and this word processing machine system, was awesome! I always loved to type, but this was like a dream!

In 1984 I found myself in Clovis, New Mexico and by 1987 I had worked my way into a civil service job with the Public Affairs office with the 27th Tactical Fighter Wing. That was an exciting job. We had a red phone in our office, yes a RED phone and no it was not the bat phone and no it was not a direct line the president. But if something bad happened or a plane went down, that phone would ring. It rang a few times while I was there. In that office I had a computer and the new word-processing system on that computer was Wordstar. Remember that? Again, I love to type and that system was amazing.   I had never had a class in Wordstar so everything I learned I taught myself and everyone around me. It just came easy to me and I picked it up very quickly. Still loving technology.

In 1991 my kids and I moved back to Oklahoma and within a few weeks I had landed a job at Exchange National Bank as their Word Processor. There was a big word processing machine in my office but the task was to get everything off the word processor onto Wordstar. You know how you had to do that? RETYPE EVERYTHING! Now that was a job and a half. I had to start by printing every document off of that word processor, let the offices who originated it decide if I needed to retype it, then retype it if needed. Whew. If you needed a document typed or a letter to go out, I did it.

In 1996 I took the job that I have now as the secretary to the superintendent for our local school system. Now I use the term “secretary” very loosely. That is what my official job description says, but I am way more than a secretary. For many years I have considered myself as an administrative assistant. Sounds better doesn’t it. And now, as I will be celebrating 18 years on this job on November 11, I consider myself an executive assistant and quite honestly, also the communications coordinator. But that’s another story for another time. Back to technology.

I now have this new job with a computer on my desk and something called the Internet. I had heard of it but had no experience with it. What was I supposed to do with it? Well I’ll tell you, initially there was nothing to do with it that related to my work. But it was fun to go there and do a little exploring. And honestly, I can’t even remember what I was looking at on it. It was also somewhere about this time that I got my first cell phone and my daughter got a cell phone. Crazy huh? Half the time my cell phone was in my purse but never turned on. Wasn’t sure why I had this phone, but I had it. My daughter used to get so angry at me. “Mother, why do you have a phone if you are not going to turn it on. I’ve been trying to call you.” Today, the phone never gets turned off and is with me at every turn and people can reach me 24/7. I’m not sure that is a good thing.

My job now REQUIRES me to do lots of work on the Internet and if you are in education, you know what I mean. Heck, if you are alive and breathing and working in an office, you know what I mean. Our student management system is online. Look up a student, go online. When we need to do an “all call” to parents or staff, it’s online. Research anything, online. File our state and federal reports, online. EMAIL, online. Staff and student push notifications, online. All of my files that are held on a network drive for security purposes, online. Know what happens when the Internet goes down in my office? A lot of nothing can go on.

Keith and I have been in our new house about four months now and it is a bit of technology mastery. First off, we have an alarm system which we can turn on and off from our phones. Secondly, you can open the garage door from our phones. [Or you can close the garage door from anywhere in the world when your son forgets to close it when he is house sitting.] We can turn on the sound system on our phones. Make the volume higher or lower, change a channel … Again, no internet access, none of that works. Last week our neighborhood lost power and we had to use a key to get in the front door. Can you imagine?

We can turn our fireplaces on with a remote. Did you hear that Daddy, I have a remove for the TVs and the fireplaces…? We have not figured out how to do the laundry or mow the yard with technology yet, but hey we can vacuum the floor with a great little piece of technology, Ruby the Roomba. She does a great job and I highly recommend her. I have a new car coming in the next few weeks and it has a technology package. Can hardly wait to see what all that entails.

My newest little piece of technology was my phone upgrade to the new iPhone 6 Plus from the iPhone 5. OMG it is huge and my 54 year old eyes and fingers love it. Remember when the goal was to get the smallest little phone you could? Well now I need something I can see. Plus back when I got my first cell phone, that’s all it was, a phone. It has only been in recent years when I bit the bullet and joined the iPhone family that I got the Internet on my phone. Again, how did I live without it? Checking my emails thousands of times a day, checking in with Facebook, playing Words with Friends with Loni and Keith, shopping from my phone. And when we travel, the GPS feature is priceless. I can’t imagine what I would do without my phone. So last Saturday, my 6 Plus arrives unannounced at my doorstep and it took me two days to get it set up. Remember what I said about technology passing me? ITunes refused to back up my iPhone 5 so the transfer of my stuff out of ITunes was not what it should have been and then I have been battling my email. Error messages about how it can’t do this or that. Spent a little time on the phone with Cable One, which didn’t help me. But I am proud to say that I solved my Cable One email issue all by myself, even with this little brain tumor and I used a co-workers little bitty tiny IPhone 4 to solve my work email issues. Hey, I’ve still got it, for now.

In less than two weeks technology will play a major role in letting all my friends know how I did with this surgery thing. I have given my daughter the list of peeps to notify and she will be doing text messaging for me. Another thing that I thought was stupid when it came out, but now I cannot live without. So I will continue to enjoy this awesome world of technology for as long as I can and hope that when the day comes that it passes me, I won’t know it.

Just a Fan in the Crowd

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Keith

Last Friday afternoon, Keith and I headed for Tulsa. My cancer survivor hero husband had signed up to run in the 15K Tulsa Run. For those of you who don’t know how far 15K is, well it is 14.5K more than I can run. Apparently it is around 9.4 miles. OMG.  This year Keith had a milestone birthday and has decided to run in a major race with some major mileage. A half marathon seems like major mileage to me and that is what he has been training for. He has friends and coworkers who are quite accomplished avid runners and they told him about this 15K run in Tulsa. Seemed like a great opportunity, so off we went.

Keith’s training consists of being out the door at 5:30 a.m. 3 or 4 mornings a week, in the dark, with a flashlight, headed into Regional Park to City Lake and back. Did you get the part about it being dark? He sees lots of wildlife during that time of day: bunnies, deer, armadillos, possums and SKUNKS. Yes, he has almost “run over” a skunk on many occasions. Some mornings it is literally, ok skunk, who’s going to get out of the way, you or me. So far, the skunk has scurried away, thanks be to God.

We get to Tulsa about 6:30 and Keith wants to “check out” the route, so we drive it. It’s like a roller coaster, EEK. The area of the run is very scenic though, not sure he will notice as he is grinding up the hills and traversing down. At 8 p.m., we met our fellow Ardmoreite runners at an Italian restaurant just a few blocks from the hotel. It was delicious, but eating a heavy meal at 9:15 is not ideal. At 9:15 I’m thinking about my stretchy pants and reclining.  We had a table of about 12 people.  Three or four conversations were going at any given time. Now all those people sitting to the left of me, I didn’t catch much of their conversation as that is my tumor ear. Conversations to my right I could keep up with. Conversations across from me, again, not great. Then there is the general loud restaurant noise, which adds frustration for my hearing issues at a whole other level. I have some adjusting to do. Finally back in our room at 10:30, stuffed from dinner and ready to recline. Big day starts at 9 a.m., at the start line.

Keith bounds out of bed the next morning boasting that he slept GREAT. He’s up, got his stuff together, dressed in his running gear, drinking his Herbalife Prepare…all is good. We head downstairs and catch up with some of our fellow peeps and about 8:30 we start the two block journey from our hotel to the “starting line.” I can feel Keith’s prerace excitement. He is ready to get this thing started. As he makes his way to the official starting line, I am heading several blocks down the route to watch him come by and snap his pic. We had been told that around 9,000 people had signed up to participate in the event with 5,000 of them running with my husband. I position myself in what I think is the perfect spot to see him when he runs by. As I’m sitting there waiting, I notice a drone above my head. I have never seen one in real life and it was pretty cool. Just then the gun goes off and the race is on!

Then it occurs to me, how am I going to find Keith in the midst of 5,000 people? I mean the people look like a lava flow. No one can pass anyone at this point. It is basically like cattle. Sorry, but that’s what it reminded me of. I so wanted to get his picture on his first 15K. I focused my search for Keith’s lime green Nike cap. Hundreds and hundreds of people keep coming up over the hill at the starting line and I have no idea where or how far back he is. I just have to focus, green hat, green hat, green hat. AND I FOUND HIM. Started snapping pics and hoped one of them would turn out.Green Hat

After he went by I knew I had about an hour and a half to piddle around. The finish line was right in front of our hotel, so I began working my way back that direction. There is a very large and beautiful Presbyterian Church that had its bells playing music and in fact one of them was a hymn we sing in our church. Then on the other side of that church was Trinity Episcopal with its beautiful red doors. As an Episcopalian, I always have to check out Episcopal churches when we travel. This one did not disappoint.

I found myself a spot to wait it out about 20 yards from the finish line. I had decided that I could snap Keith’s pic as he is running to the line and as he goes through it. I picked out what I thought was an awesome spot, but the longer I sat there, the more people showed up and my window of vision got pretty small.

At about the 45 minute mark, I can see in the distance flashing lights and the first runner working their way to the finish line. Yes, 45 minutes. OMG. What is that a 6 minute mile for 9.4 miles? That is flat out running. We cheered as he neared us and he finished at 46 minutes and a few seconds I think. No one anywhere to be seen for another 2 or 3 minutes. He whipped them all. A few more came in periodically but it was still VERY early.

About that time something got my attention. There was a young man with a cane and he had gotten inside the running barricade, was running down the middle of the road with his cane above his head and shouting something. The crowd on that end of the block was cheering him. He got about half way up to the finish line when the policeman that was monitoring my side of the street stepped out and stopped him. The young man appeared to be either high on something or mentally ill. He was belligerent with the cop saying that “this was his race.” The officer escorted him off the course. About five minutes later the young man appears again. This time he was across the street directly in front of me and the officer. He was yelling something at the officer and was doing something with the cane that indicated he was ready to use it as a weapon on the officer. So over the officer goes and this time the young man finds himself in handcuffs, backup is called in, he is placed in a police car and removed from the situation. WHEW. This young man was a ticking time bomb. In the infamous words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

People continued to come through. Some with costumes on, some with very little clothes on and one man with NO SHOES ON. Absolutely barefooted. At about the one hour 20 minute mark, runners are beginning to come in more heavily. In fact there are so many coming in that I am again worried that I will not see Keith and be able to get his picture. There are people in my way that are taller than me and the police officer is in my way. It’s now the one hour and 30 minute mark and I know he’s going to be coming by any second! What to do, what to do….. I again started looking for “green hat”. Then there he was. I yanked my camera up, pushed some people out of my way and snap, snap, snap. HE DID IT – one hour and 36 minutes.

I hurried down to the finish line and was frantically trying to find him in the midst of all those people. Next thing I knew, he had found me. Nothing like a sweaty kiss from my wonderful husband. I am so proud of his accomplishment. Now’s he’s back to training for the A2A half marathon in March. GO KEITH!

At the One Month Mark

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TLF 2014

On month from today, I will have the unwelcome visitor inside my head eradicated!  Even though I am nervous, I am also just ready for it to be gone so I can get on with my life.  AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.   I have found an Acoustic Neuroma Facebook page and I have been reading posts from people who have had surgery and those who are going to have surgery.  While it is wonderful to know I am not alone in the world with this little brain tumor, some of their stories are scary.  What I have to keep in mind is that everyone is different, everyone handles surgery differently and their experience won’t be my experience.  I told Keith that I was not going to have any major pain following the surgery, that I was going to be up walking down the hospital halls the next day with him by my side and we would go home four days later and have a wonderful, yet quiet Thanksgiving.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Since deciding to have the surgery, my mind thinks of little else.  Oh sure, I am able to do my job and lead a normal life, but “the event” is never far from my mind.  I find that I’m even more emotional than usual.  Case in point:  Last week I wanted to drive by my childhood home.  I took the familiar route and when my car turned onto the street, tears welled up in my eyes.  What is with that!  Last weekend we attended a funeral for my son-in-law’s grandmother at the Episcopal Cathedral in Oklahoma City.  The service was so moving to me that I caught myself tearing up during some of the hymns.  When I go on my long walk/runs, my mind is all over the place and inevitably I think of my parents and tears fall or I think about my children and how much I love them and tears fall or I remember just how lucky I am to have the husband I have and tears falls.  I hope this extra emotion is a direct result of this brain tumor because I need to toughen up.

In addition, I am going to be off work 7 weeks.  EEK!  Will I even have an office to return to????  Just kidding, kind of.  I am trying to think of all the things that need to be taken care of in my absence.  That in itself is a bit overwhelming.  I don’t want to cause any undue burden on anyone, because we are all busy at work.  I tried to schedule this thing when it would be the quietest in the office and I hope I have succeeded.

Keith and I went dancing last weekend.  It was our annual Two Left Feet Club Halloween dance and we got all dressed up.  He was Captain America and I was Batgirl.  It was so much fun and our favorite singer, Neil Davies, was the entertainment.  Neil gave us the opportunity to waltz, cha cha, tango, bolero, do a line dance and a little Texas swing before calling it a night. At the beginning of the evening we learned that our hospital foundation is planning a big New Year’s Eve dance at our convention center and everyone from our dance club is invited.  In fact, he said we are all being “featured”.  Not really sure what that means, but it does mean that I have to get all better so I can go dance.  That gives me 6 weeks basically after surgery to be ready AND I WILL BE!  We will get all dressed up, Keith in a tux and me in a formal gown.    We will dance until the cows come home and at midnight with a glass of champagne in my hand, I will kiss the love of my life as we begin another year together.

Now I am all big talk about this recovery thing, now I just have to get myself pumped up for “the event”.  Keith and I will go down two days before on November 18 and then I have all this pre-op stuff on the 19th.  Nurse Susan says I am going to be one busy gal that day.  Hopefully I will be so busy, I won’t have time to dwell on “the event”.  In talking to my doctor, he says the surgery should take 4-6 hours, ok I can deal with that.  Nurse Susan says it will be 10 hours, not liking the sound of that.  One of the ladies I have found on the Acoustic Neuroma site who has the same doctors as me in Houston said her surgery took 12 hours.  I really don’t like the sound of that.    Again, my experience will be different, my experience will be different, my experience will be different.  If I say it three times will that make it so, or did I need to click my heels together when I said it.  Wait and I can still do that.  Obviously, I’m hoping for the 4-6 hour surgery.  While I will be asleep and won’t care, my husband, daughter and son may have a hard time if I am in surgery for 12 hours.

Speaking of my husband, daughter and son ….. I am so blessed that all three of them will be with me.  They are the three loves of my life and their faces are the ones I want to see when I open my eyes.  Each one of them brings me such joy, happiness and love.  With them by my side, I can overcome anything.  I am also blessed to have many in my community praying for me.  People have been coming up to me and telling me that they are praying for me or that I am on their church’s official prayer list.  As I have said before, this Episcopal gal accepts prayers from all religious denominations.  I am receiving prayers from out of state as well.  This “Oklahoma gal” accepts prayers from all states and countries.

In looking through my instructions of what I should and should not have at the hospital, they suggest I wear NO jewelry.  Are they kidding?  So I have four items of jewelry that I always wear:  my wedding ring, my mother’s wedding ring, my father’s wedding ring and my Daughters of the King cross.  So in order for me to be OK with this hospital rule, my husband will hold my wedding ring until he can slip it back on my finger and I want my daughter to wear my cross and parent’s wedding rings for me.  When I feel like eating, I want my son to make me an Herbalife shake and keep my tea and aloe jug full.

So today I begin the journey of mentally preparing for “the event.”  I am also continuing my physical activity routine so my stamina will be good, just in case I have to be under anesthesia for 12 hours.   It feels appropriate for me to close this blog with one of my favorite things from the Book of Common Prayer:  Open my lips, O Lord, and my mouth shall proclaim your praise.  Create in me a clean heart, O’ God and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from your presence and take not your holy Spirit from me.  Give me the joy of your saving help again and sustain me with your bountiful spirit.  Amen.

I Can do This!

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pigeon 1Sometimes things in one’s life can be a bit overwhelming. The decision whether to get rid of the unwanted guest in my head by surgery or gamma knife has been consuming most of my thoughts.

Keith and I zipped down to Houston this week to talk to doctors at MD Anderson in their Acoustic Neuroma Center. Who knew? It’s a God thing remember? It did feel very odd being on the other side this time. My place there has always been as caregiver now I am the patient. Can’t say I like that very much. We met with some very nice and well respected doctors in this field. While none of them really told me anything I didn’t already know, I felt at ease with them and began to trust that I had come to the right place.

We did have to get out of our comfort zone though. We always stay at the Rotary House, which is just across the street from MD Anderson. We did not have enough preplanning time to make a reservation so rooms were available.  We picked the next thing we knew which was the extended stay hotel a few blocks away.  This was our home for 3 weeks when Keith first started treatment. The same place where we got our car broken into. The place where we met another couple from Ardmore whose husband was being treated. A place that allows you to bring your dogs with you. By the time we got there, it was after 8. When we were checking in, they informed us that they had given our queen bed away and we were given a room with two double beds. I could see the lines of concern forming between my husband’s brows as he said, “Why do I have a confirmation number for a queen bed, if you have given it away.” We were both too tired to argue so we made it work.  It actually felt plenty big because there were no dogs between us hogging the bed.  Sometimes our big king bed at home feels very small.

Our morning started bright and early as I had to check in at 7 a.m. for an 8 a.m. doctor’s appointment. Now I will tell you what the MD in MD Anderson stands for: Most of the Day. We experienced that over and over five years ago and we were starting our morning off the same way. Checked in at 7 a.m. and was told my appointment had been moved to 10 a.m.

After a quick breakfast in the cafeteria, we decided to go outside into their beautiful garden areas. It was a warm morning, flowers were blooming and the birds were out singing. We plopped down in the area where we always go to and up comes a pigeon and little scraggly bird with no tail. I never seem to have food at these times. Keith was prepared with a granola bar in his bag. The pigeon looked very healthy so I worked on feeding the little no-tailed bird. He got his fill and went on. Not the pigeon. Is it possible to fill them up? We decided to get a little creative and see if we could get him to eat out of our hands. Nope, not going to do it. Next we put food on the end of our shoes. Success. Then word spread and all of a sudden we had 6 or 7 pigeons. The one little pigeon did his best to shoo the others away, but alas, there were just too many. I am breaking up more of the granola bar when one of the pigeons fly’s up and gets on my hand! OMG! I am hand-feeding this pigeon. It was the greatest thing ever and what a way to start my day. Then Keith thought he would give it a try. Success. It was awesome. As we walked back across the street to head for my doctor’s appointment we see a sign that says, “Do not feed the birds.” We both agreed that there was no sign where we were sitting telling us that.  No rules broken.

Finally in the docs office and I start off with his “fellow”. This is a young man that I swear to you could have been my son-in-law Charles. He had different hair, but he was tall, skinny, sounded like Charles and had Charles’ eyes. It was like Charles was there. I found that very comforting. Then the surgeon came in and visited some more and answered more questions. The doc told me that if I were younger, his recommendation would be surgery. If I were 10 years older, his recommendation would be the gamma knife. Because I am the awesome age of 54. I can do either. So much for a recommendation.

So again, a big decision to make and I have to weigh the pros and cons of each.

  • Gamma Knife:
     Pro: It is outpatient, pretty much painless and I go on about my life the next day. I like the sound of that. Con: It doesn’t get rid of my tumor, just zaps it. I would also continue to lose my hearing in that ear as the tumor is still there mashing on my hearing nerve. I would have to have an MRI annually for the rest of my life to monitor it. There is no data out there beyond 15 years on its success rate of keeping it from growing back and growing back cancerous. YIKES.
  • Surgery Let’s start with the cons here: It’s brain surgery and they have to cut open my head. I will have some discomfort for 7-10 days with the incision. I may have some dizziness or balance problems for a few days. I would have to spend 3-5 days in the hospital and miss 4-6 weeks of work. Jeez. Pro: The tumor is removed and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I may be able to salvage the remainder of my hearing in that ear and the ringing in my ear has a 50% chance of going away. I would REALLY love that.

It’s times like these when you just have to put your big girl panties on. While I am scared to death of the surgery and the days after, I am even more scared of the thought that when I’m 70, it could grow back and it could grow back cancerous. Do I really want to deal with brain cancer at 70? Maybe medical technology will have come a long way by then and it wouldn’t be any big deal. But do I really want to risk it. These are the thoughts that have just been churning away in my mind…. What to do, what to do. Keith and I have talked and talked and talked about it. He even told me he knew what he would do if it were him, but wouldn’t tell me so as not to influence my decision, because it is after all MY DECISION. Maybe I don’t want it to be my decision. I really would like someone to just say, “THIS is what you MUST do. Alas, that isn’t going to happen.

So I have decided surgery. I indeed have put my big girl panties on and tomorrow I’m emailing Houston with my decision. My husband, daughter and son are also going to have to their big boy britches and big girl panties on. It is going to be a stressful and draining experience for us all. I am hoping to be able to do it the first week of December.  That’s the plan Stan.  I just have to keep my chin up and my nerves at bay. For all of you out there that are praying for me, thank you and keep it up. This Episcopal gal accepts prayers from all religious denominations.

Yes, I can do this. Hey, I survived natural childbirth, I can do anything right. Oh and FYI: After I told Keith my decision, he said that is what he would do to.

An Unwelcome Visitor – In My Brain!

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MD AndersonIf there is one thing I have learned in my 50+ years of life is that life is full of ups and downs, blessings and curses, highs and lows, good and bad. It is truly a mixed bag. Some people seem to have more bad than good and some people never seem to have anything difficult happen to them. I think my life falls somewhere in the middle. There have been many times in my life that I have just floated along like a butterfly unaware of anything bad, nothing ever touching me. Then there have been times when I have been down in the muck and thought I would never get out. Those have all been learning experiences for me. They have made me who I am today and the highs and lows and blessings and challenges will continue to shape me, but they will not destroy me.  They serve to make me stronger.

Ten months after I married the man of my dreams, he is diagnosed with cancer. Together with God and MD Anderson, we kicked cancer’s but and just three short weeks ago MD Anderson officially graduated him and told us we didn’t have to come back. What an awesome feeling and an answered prayer for sure. For five years we continued to make that trek to Houston for his checkups. We jumped for joy and were giddy all the way home. Keith said to me, “We never have to come back here.” My response? “I know, unless I get sick.” Famous last words.

Last week I learned that I have an acoustic neuroma. A “what” you say? Basically it is a “benign” tumor in my brain that will have to be dealt with. It is not cancerous, it grows very slowly but it has to go. My first symptom, like millions of us out there, was Tinnitus. My left ear has been ringing for 9 months if not more. I have lost track because I spend all my time trying to ignore it. Then right as we are moving into the new house, I noticed that I am not hearing as well out of my left ear. It was like I was wearing an earplug. Things were kind of muffled. So off to the doctor I go, have an MRI and there it is, the unwelcome visitor in my brain. All 1.46 centimeters of it. Well crap. My local doctor sends me to a specialist in OKC who tells me what I have and what my options are. As he is describing the three possible surgical options of going into my brain, I could literally feel all the color drain from my face. He gave me the good, bad and ugly of a surgery. Then he gave me a little information about the “gamma knife” radiation option, which initially sounded great, but by the time he finished, wasn’t a perfect option either. At the end of his speech he asked if I had any questions. I can’t even speak at this point. Then just over my left shoulder comes a very strong voice, my hero husband who has LOTS of questions. Keith jumps right in and is asking questions right and left, some I am grasping and some I’m not. Then Keith asked the question, “what if we do nothing?” I perked up a bit for that one. Doctor said, “Eventually, she will die.” So much for doing nothing.   The doctor wanted to make sure that I understood that it was not a death sentence, it was fixable and it WAS NOT cancer. That did make me feel better. Obviously we have some research to do and some decisions to make.

In the car heading away I know I have to call my daughter who is waiting 350 miles away to hear what this doctor said. We talk about it, I tell her what the doctor said and that we didn’t have to do anything immediately. We would be exploring all options. She agreed, more research and exploring all options. Keith, trying to cheer me up and take my mind off it, takes me to test drive new cars. Great distraction!

We arrived home and I am trying to be brave. On the inside I need a good cry. On the outside, the tears aren’t coming. I admit it, I am scared. I have another conversation with my daughter who has spoken with her husband, Charles. My daughter is convinced that if I need surgery, we just need to pack up, come to Little Rock and have it done there. Not a bad idea.   We go to bed for the evening and I’m doing a little reading when my daughter calls again right at 10 p.m. Her message to me when I answer the phone, “Charles wants to talk to you.” Charles works in the medical field and with Neurosurgeons. I guess he has been kind of sharing my “issues” with them casually as I go through these tests. They have given him opinions and what not. So when Loni called him about what the doctor said about my “surgery” options, he called to make sure that I DID NOT let this ENT surgeon drill into my head.

The next morning I have my instructions from Charles: get another copy of my MRI disk and overnight it to him. He will ask his neurosurgeon to look at it and give us an unbiased opinion. We really liked that idea. So off to the hospital I go to get another copy of the disk. By the way, the little gal in medical records is not very friendly. She literally made me feel like I was imposing on her. Next off to the UPS Store to overnight it to Little Rock. By the way, the people at my UPS store, VERY friendly and VERY helpful.

So now it is Sunday morning and I am still thinking about my options. It’s hard to think about little else. My in-laws and brother in law were in from Texas and they did provide some distraction from my little tumor friend, but it was never very far from my mind. Then Keith and I wondered if MD Anderson would look at it. I’m thinking no since it’s not cancer. Then Keith replies, “Not cancer, but it is a brain tumor.” Good point. I went to their website and typed into the search: acoustic neuroma. OMG, they have an acoustic neuroma center and it’s part of the Head and Neck Center where Keith got treatment. About 30 minutes later Charles calls me. His neurosurgeon has looked at my disk. His response was if it were his wife, he would go the gamma-knife route. Then he said, “She needs to go to MD Anderson in Houston, Texas.” Feeling a bit like a God thing here. In fact, Dr. Thomas knows one of the head docs in the Acoustic Neuroma Center and he got the ball rolling to get me an appointment! Charles continued to follow up and by Wednesday, I had an official appointment for next week. Now I guess I can classify Charles as my hero son-in-law.

Yes, we are headed back to Houston, to the same place we never thought we would see again. To the place we know like the back of our hand. To the place that I entrusted the life of my husband and the place that did not disappoint. I am anxious to see what they suggest and how we will proceed.

I’ll keep you posted on the progress. Stay tuned.

In Search of the Perfect Dining Table and Chairs

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Dining 1

Our new home has a formal dining room. We talked about whether or not we needed or wanted a formal dining room. In the end, we decided it was a good idea. We would like to have friends over more and a formal dining room would give us that opportunity. We decided that we wanted a table that would seat eight. We had looked at the house plans carefully and thought we knew the dimensions of the room pretty well. We had started looking at formal dining room tables while the house was being constructed. Challenge #1:  We knew it was going to be difficult finding the right size that would fit. We knew it was not going to be a large room so the big honking tables and massive chairs would not work. We had written down the max dimensions and had gone out looking. Well, once the sheetrock went on and the built-in buffet went in, we re-measured. Uh oh. It’s even smaller than we thought. Well crap.

Challenge #2:  We had different “visions” for the room. Keith’s vision, formal dining room was just that formal, ornate and a bit regal. I am not an ornate kind of gal. My vision was more of a rustic formal. You know a more casual table with upholstered and tufted chairs. We were literally on opposite ends of the spectrum. So working within our two visions, we had to find something we could both compromise on.   I am the kind of person that needs to “feel” something. I need a connection with it, even with a dining table. It was the same way while we were building the house. I had to feel the connection with the granites, floor coverings, tiles and paint color. I was convinced that I was not going to find anything I loved, but instead would have to settle for something because it worked.

Armed with our new measurements, we headed south this time to Dallas. We had already exhausted our options in OKC. We had found a few possible table options at an Ashley Home Store in Texas so we went back to look again and re-measure. We arrived at Ashley’s and found the tables we had looked at before. They were tables I could live with but did not love. We measured and uh oh, a few inches too big for the space. Well crap, what are we going to do now? I am obviously not going to be able to get a table and chairs to seat eight people in that room. My vision of big family dinners at my home are fleeting…..Beat down and disheartened, we left Ashley’s and headed for home. As we are heading back to the highway, we see a Haverty’s furniture store. I have never been to a Haverty’s. I’ve seen their commercials. I like that kooky girl who “designs” her furniture and plans everything else around it. Their slogan: Haverty’s has it. Well we’ll just see.

We decide to go in. What could it hurt? We already have no expectation of finding anything. We entered and asked the sales lady where we might find their dining rooms and she stated, “just around the corner.” As I rounded the corner, there it was. The most beautiful rustic table with upholstered and tufted chairs I have ever seen. It was exactly my vision for the room. It was as if a spotlight was shining just on this one item. I gravitated directly to it, sat down and I was in love. Then reality set it, Keith is NOT going to like this table. It is too far away from what he likes and I felt a knot forming in my stomach and a sadness wash over me. He catches up with me and I say to him, “do you like this one at all?” “It’s OK.” he responded. He whipped out the tape measure and it was the perfect size, with eight chairs even. It was like Cinderella’s slipper, it was a perfect fit. I couldn’t move. I just continued to sit at the table. Keith comes to me and says, “You know, some day you are going to have to pull the trigger.” “What?” I asked. “On a dining table. At some point you are going to have to make a decision.” he replied. I gazed up at from the table and looked directly into his eyes and said, “If I had to make the decision right this minute, THIS would be the table we go home with.” We got the sales lady over and started talking price with her. Of course it was “on sale” and at the end of the day the sale would be over. That was the wrong thing to say to my husband. Sales people should not give him the “buy today or lose out forever” pitch, because he will ALWAYS walk. Pressure tactics do not work with Mr. King. So now we have the additional question of, will you deliver this table to our home 100 miles away? Mathis Brothers in OKC will…. Haverty’s in Frisco, Texas will not. My heart is breaking. Keith says, “If we decide this is the table, I can bring the little trailer back and get it later.” Made me a little more hopeful.

So I have taken pictures of this perfect dining table and we leave Haverty’s and head for home. Once home, I turn on our computer, go to the Haverty’s website and find my table. There it is online. I noticed there was a link on their website that asked me to put in my zip code and see what my delivery options were. I didn’t quite understand since the lady in Frisco very clearly said they could not deliver. So I played the game, entered my zip code and was told that in four weeks, my dream table and chairs could be delivered to my home for the exact same price that we would have paid to the store in Texas.  WHAT!   Pretty soon Keith comes in and sees me drooling over the table on their website. “Whatcha doing?” he asks. I inform him that their website says that they will deliver and for the same price as was in the store. Difference being it is coming from their warehouse not the store. I don’t care where it comes from as long as it comes. Keith put his hand on my shoulder and looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes and says, “I have not seen you this excited about any dining tables we have looked at. If we were to lose getting this table because I waited, I would feel really bad.” Then he handed me his credit card. I could have cried. He knew that I “felt” it. He knew how important this was to me and he let me get the table of my dreams. Four weeks later as promised, it was delivered and it is spectacularly beautiful in the room. Haverty’s “does have” it, just as promised.

Next up, shopping for all new furniture for the great room. YIKES.

Weight Loss Challenge – Month 1 Report

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Winter in Regional Park 2

Ok, it’s been four weeks since I began my new weight loss get fit challenge. I began this journey publicly stating I wanted to lose 12 pounds by eating better and getting some form of exercise. I am giving myself until next June prior to my family trip to the beach in Florida [I sure hope it doesn’t take that long].  I will not do this by crash dieting or using some diet product, but by eating better and getting the proper nutrition.   I will use food as “fuel” not as entertainment.  However, if I choose to have a piece of key lime pie or a couple of margaritas, I will.  I will continue to have my Herbalife shake each day for my guaranteed nutritious breakfast, lunch or dinner and have my energizing tea with mango aloe throughout the day.    Lean meats, fish, fruits, veggies and whole grains are my friend.  I will do my best to put on my walking shoes and hit the pavement or treadmill each day, or some other form of exercise to help me reach a calorie deficit.

So here I am four weeks later and guess how it went?  Well in four weeks I have lost only one pound!  So this is where I would normally say “forget it” and give up.  Not this time.  When I reflect back on my month, I can see what I did right and certainly what I could have done better.    Life is about choices and making the healthier choice is not always the easiest. 

I love my Fitbit.  It logs my steps every day.  My goal is to get in 7500 steps a day, roughly 3 miles.  On weekdays when I’m working, I struggle to get there and MOST days I don’t make it.  Some days I don’t even come close.  For instance, this past Thursday, I took 2,695 steps for the entire day.  Yikes.  I didn’t get up from my desk hardly at all except to go to the restroom and go home.  When I got home I was mentally drained and although I knew if I would get out in the fresh air and walk I would feel better, I did not.  See, choices.  Sadly, this past month I have had more days like last Thursday.

Now there have been some days when I have done really well.  On Saturdays and Sundays I always reach my 7,500 because I usually  go for a walk and I’m all over this house doing laundry, cleaning or “piddling”.  Mostly piddling.  But hey, I’m up and moving.  On weekend days I usually even hit 10,000 or 12,000 steps.  It’s awesome and I am very proud of myself and feel better on those days.  My best day was on July 30 with 28,351 steps.  That’s just short of 12 miles!  The following day, 17,082.  Those two days we were in Washington DC touring the National Mall, the monuments, the museums and the White House.  For future reference, I do not recommend walking 28,351 steps in “flip flops.”  I am a girl from Oklahoma who doesn’t like to wear shoes in the summer.  I would wear flip flops every day if I could.  However, I realized that I probably should have brought my walking shoes.  By the time we called it quits that day, my feet hurt so bad I thought I might shed a tear.

So obviously I realize that I need to work on the getting up and moving part.  I need to not let my hectic days at work sabotage me.  I am looking forward to a little cooler weather where when I do walk, the heat doesn’t zap me. If I was superman like my husband, I would get up and walk in the mornings when it’s cool.  He runs about 5 times a week about 8 miles at a time and he leaves the house in the dark at 5:30 a.m.  See superman.  I should be using him as my inspiration.  Here’s a man who is a 5 year cancer survivor who is an active runner, losing weight without trying, eats what he wants because he gets PLENTY of exercise.  He’s a hard act to follow, but I am very proud of him.

Now my other issue is food.  Not as big an issue I don’t think as the sedentary side of my life.  I do try to make good food choices even when we travel.  Now there are days that I just blow it and I know it.  Right after I started this little adventure was when we traveled to DC.  While eating out I tried to find the healthier options on the menus.  One evening for dinner our hotel restaurant had an amazing grilled salmon.  I love a good salmon.  Then the day I walked the 28,ooo steps, we had lunch at a place across from the White House called Old Ebbett’s Grill.  They had a kale/quinoa salad with grilled chicken that was to die for.  I need that recipe. 

So here I start another month.  I’m taking a deep breath, keeping positive thoughts and am confident that my next report will be better.  

Dreams

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LonieDo you dream? Some people don’t you know. Some people dream but don’t usually remember what they dreamed. For me, I have always been a big dreamer and I can usually remember my dreams. Sometimes they are so real. Sometimes they are bad dreams and someone is after me and I yell. Keith has to wake me from these dreams. Oddly enough, I used to never have these bad dreams where someone is after me. My mother always had those types of dreams and I can remember my dad having to wake her. It wasn’t until way into adulthood that I too had bad dreams about something being after me. Are bad dreams hereditary? Thanks Mom.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and remember a very vivid dream? Do you ever have the kind of dreams where you are crying and can’t stop? This morning I woke up realizing that I had had one of those dreams. I have three kinds of these dreams every so often. One is about my dad, one is about my mom and one is about the loss of a dog. This morning’s dream was about my dad.

Last week on August 5th marked the one year anniversary of his passing. For the past couple of weeks I have been telling myself, the one year anniversary is just 10 days away, 8 days, 5 days, 3 days. It’s today.     It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year already. I’m still trying to close out their estate and I now have his house on the market, so I still have that constant reminder that he’s gone. So with him on my mind so much, I guess it’s not odd for me to dream about him.

This dream was different. I have had many dreams about him over the past year but none like this one. Most of them are just memories or events of times when I was a kid or when my kids were little. Just everyday stuff and he’s there. Comforting and normal. I wake from those and think, well ok.

In this dream my dad was very young. He appeared to be 21 or 22, about the age when he married my mom.   I was standing and watching him, but it was like I was watching a hologram. It was him, but he wasn’t there, but I could see him. He had bright eyes with a little twinkle, was smiling and laughing and appeared to be very happy. In the dream, I am standing there watching this and I am crying uncontrollably as I watch. As I look took my right, there stands my daughter and my son, who are also crying. As we look at one another, we all smile because my dad looks so happy and young and full of life and even though we are very sad, we acknowledge that he is ok.

So here’s where I need a dream interpreter. I think dreams can be many things. I think you can have something on your mind and your mind works its magic and presto, you dream about it. Maybe my mind needs to be ok with his passing. Maybe this was the way for my mind to do it. But what if….. What if it was more than just a dream? I have always thought to myself, if I were to die while I was relatively young and leave my children behind, I would do whatever I had to do in the afterlife to let them know I was ok and I want them to be ok. Now obviously I don’t know if this is possible or not, but in my very soul I would try to reach them somehow. Could this be my dad’s way of letting me know he is ok? Is he showing me that he is young again and full of life in heaven? Is he giving me the opportunity to cry it out and move on? Is he acknowledging to me that he knows how much I miss him?

So as I think about my experience this morning, I am choosing to think that this morning, my daddy did whatever he could do in the afterlife to reach me and tell me his is ok and he wants me, my daughter and my son to be ok too. Today I am opening my mind, heart and soul to the possibility.  

Starting a New Weight Loss Challenge for Myself

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Just prior to my 52nd birthday, I challenged myself to get healthy and get rid of that 15 extra pounds I had been carrying around for several years.  My knees hurt, my hips hurt, I was bloated all the time and just felt yucky.    I am thrilled to say that I worked very hard with my diet, exercised and did manage to lose those 15 terrible pounds and I felt great.  I supplemented my diet with Herbalife shakes [thank you to my son Craig for making me try the product] and I began training for a 5K [that will get you to exercise].  I was so focused, tried to eat right, had my Herbalife shake every day and the pounds did come off.  I ran my 5K and yes, I ran the entire thing without stopping.  Slowly, but I ran the whole thing.

I was plugging along pretty good but noticed my stress level was increasing as my dad was suffering with dementia.  I began to notice that some of my exercise time was dwindling as I needed to check in with him more.  Then in August last year, I lost my dad.  I was not prepared mentally or emotionally for that (who is) and that rollercoaster of emotions because I had now lost both my parents.  I will tell you it made me feel like I had fog in my brain, I cried easily, ate everything and DID NOT EXERCISE.  In addition, my awesome “underactive” thyroid was just that “underactive” and it was having a field day just lying there doing nothing.  Obviously my meds may also need to be adjusted.  Well as you can imagine, 12 of those 15 pounds are back, just like a bad penny.  Does anyone really know what that phrase means, “like a bad penny?”  Are there good pennies and bad pennies?  Anyway, it is time to turn over a new leaf yet again.  When I admitted to my son [the health guru in our family], that I had put my weight back on, he very simply said, “Well, you know what to do right?”  Yes, Craig I do.  But you know what, it’s hard!

 

So I am tweaking my strategy this time and I’m saying it publicly so maybe it will hold me a little more accountable and from time to time, I’ll let you know how it’s going.  First off, I have two very dear friends that have made massive changes in their lives and have lost over 100 pounds each.  In fact, one of them has lost 150 pounds.  I am so proud of Kathleen and Ruth Ann.  They are my inspirations.  What seemed like an impossible task for them was achievable with their hard work and dedication.  Makes me feel almost ashamed that I can’t keep off a measly 12 pounds.

So what am I tweaking this time?   Well to start with, I need to better understand this calories in vs calories out thing.  To lose one pound, you have to reduce your calories by 3,500, so if you want to lose a pound a week, that’s 500 calories less a day.  Seems easy enough.  Well it’s not.  First off, how many calories do I eat regularly [too many obviously].  Secondly, how many calories should I be eating?  Each time I begin this diet process, I log my food intake.  I use Myfitnesspal.com for that.  It’s imperative that you know what you are eating and how much you are eating.  It’s real hard to log my food on days I choose to have a piece of Key Lime Pie or a margarita, but I do.  There are days, when I go over the amount of calories I have set out to eat.  And that is OK.  If you deprive yourself of everything you love, you are truly setting yourself up for failure.   So I know immediately, there will be days I will blow it.

Then I was reading an article the other day that talked about a person’s BMR.  What’s that?  According to Wikipedia, BMR is your basal metabolic rate and it is the rate of energy expenditure by humans at rest.  Now that was an interesting concept to me.  I never realized that there was such a thing.  So my mind is telling me that I need to know what that number is for me before I can even begin this process.  Of course the BMR calculator won’t take into account my stupid thyroid, but it would certainly give me a good idea.  So if I am at rest all day and do no exercising, how many calories do I need to maintain my current weight?  Wait a minute, I don’t want to maintain my weight.  Let’s start over.  So if I am at rest all day and do no exercising, how many calories do I need to maintain the weight I want to reach.  If I were to lay in bed all day and never get up, I would use up 1101 calories.  Hmmm.  So the next number it gives me is if I get little or no exercise:  1322, then 1514 with light exercise 1-3 times a week and 1700 for moderate exercise 3-5 times a week.  Holy cow.  Add some exercise into your day and look at what you get!

I know from all my other previous dieting, you should not go below 1,200 calories a day.  Less than that and you are creating other problems.  So I am setting a goal of 1,200 calories a day.  Now if I need 1322 calories for little or no exercise, that is a calorie deficit of 122 calories a day and that will take me 28 days to lose a pound.  Wow, going to be a little hard to stay motivated there.  Ok, the recommended amount is 1 pound per week, which will be a 500 a day calorie deficit.  How am I going to do that?

I will start by using my newest gadget.  I love gadgets so here’s my next tool in my toolbox, my Fitbit.  My Fitbit keeps track of how many steps I take in a day from the time my feet hit the ground until I fall asleep at night.  It also talks to Myfitnesspal.com.   It takes my steps and my BMR information and gives me a pretty accurate estimate based on my level of activity, how many calories I burned up for each day.  It is awesome.  For instance, on days I am at the office and rarely get out of my chair unless I go to the bathroom and then I plop onto the couch when I get home, I’m doing good to get 3,000 steps in for the day.  According to my Fitbit, I will have expended 1455 calories.  So If I met my 1200 calorie goal, I used up 255 more calories than I ate.  That is awesome.  It’s not 500, but it’s not bad for a day I did nothing but go to work and come home and plop.  But on the weekends when I’m doing laundry, cleaning house and actually get out and walk like last weekend, I used up 1,840 calories and only ate 1,200.  That was a deficit of 640 in one day, clearly over the 500!  So it is a balancing act every day, but I am having fun with the statistics and seeing if my new method is going to work.  The bottom line is I have to move my body every day, I feel better when I do and it is beneficial to every area of my life, not just my weight.

So here’s my new commitment to myself.  I need to lose 12 pounds by eating better and getting some form of exercise. I am giving myself until next June prior to my family trip to the beach in Florida [I sure hope it doesn’t take that long].  I will not do this by crash dieting or using some diet product, but by eating better and getting the proper nutrition.   I will use food as “fuel” not as entertainment.  However, if I choose to have a piece of key lime pie or a couple of margaritas, I will.  I will continue to have my Herbalife shake each day for my guaranteed nutritious breakfast, lunch or dinner and have my energizing tea with mango aloe throughout the day.    Lean meats, fish, fruits, veggies and whole grains are my friend.  I will do my best to put on my walking shoes and hit the pavement or treadmill each day, or some other form of exercise to help me reach a calorie deficit.

In a few weeks I’ll report back.  Hope I’m still sane by then.

Mountain Storm Brewing