Do you ever just have one of those days when you are your own worst enemy? A “pity party” for one, if you will. Well I am having one of those this morning, and I hate it. I am six months post op from my brain tumor removal surgery and I think I should be feeling better than I am. I am ready for things to be normal again. Please tell me they will be normal again. I am tired of daily headaches, I am tired of not sleeping well at night, I am tired of coming home so tired from work that I just don’t feel like doing anything, I am sick and tired of the continuous rain and I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. There I said it. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that my brain tumor was not cancerous and that it was successfully removed by expertly skilled surgeons. In addition however, I think I should be able to do whatever I want, when I want. I don’t like to worry whether that glass of wine is going to cause a headache. I don’t like to keep myself from sneezing because I know it will send all kinds of pain waves through the back of my head.

So what has been the catalyst that has sent me over the edge today? Well today is my first summer Friday off from work. We work longer hours during the week and our offices take Friday off. I love this time of year when we get to do this. So I had several things I contemplated doing today to celebrate. Thought about driving to Norman to have lunch with my former boss, thought about driving to OKC to do a little shopping, thought about doing a little gardening….. None of those things are happening today, because at 11:45 last night a headache woke me up and I sat up with it until 4:30 a.m. Took my Tylenol, took my Advil, used ice pack, used heat pack, just couldn’t knock it out. At 4:30 a.m., I stumbled back to bed and thought I would try and sleep again. Exhausted I did fall asleep, but my dreams were riddled with the pain that continued in my head. Finally at 6:50 I just got up again and began the cycle of trying to get rid of the headache again. So here I am at 10:30 and the pain is finally beginning to ease off, but not completely gone and I am exhausted and cranky.

This particular headache is not associated with my surgery. This type of headache I usually get 5 or 6 times a year. I don’t know what it is, why it happens and it really just takes time to get rid of it. Have been to the doctor over the years, nothing is resolved about it. Sometimes the only thing that helps is a sinus headache pill. You know, the kind that has the drug in it you have to sign your life away at the pharmacy to get. So at 8 a.m. I popped one and I think it is helping.

So in November I have a surgery to remove my little brain tumor and of the three surgical options that could be used, my surgeon chose the one that was best for me, retro-sigmoid. Guess what the side effect of having that type of surgery is, headaches. Now in addition to my regular headache issues, I have these as well. The only difference, my surgical headaches are daily. I take Extra Strength Tylenol daily or Advil depending on what part of my head hurts. I use a heat wrap on my neck every morning, evening, night and many times at work. And are they ever going to go away, or is this my new normal?

So that is what happened to me this morning. I just got to feeling sorry for myself and the tears began to flow and flow and flow. I have held it in so long that today was just the day to let it go. Sometimes a girls just needs a good cry.  Eleven years ago today, Keith and I had our first date.  The event that forever changed my life for the better.  Now it’s time to put on my big girl panties and move on.  Today is a day to celebrate, and I just don’t have time to feel crappy.

Thanks for letting my whine.